The fog of fatigue has slowly lifted as I’ve been able to have time to sleep, and KT has gradually started to sleep through the night. Yay! What a lovely feeling to not be so fatigued! And to feel rested mentally & physically has been wonderful. I don’t feel like a zombie anymore.
I think the “fog” was protecting me somewhat, though, from feeling depressed. After talking with my OB/GYN during my pregnancy with KT, we were both pretty sure I had postpartum depression after having CaaaLalla. It took several months to really set in, and really only seemed to start after I’d returned to work and tried to adjust to a very full schedule. KT is four months old, and as I have felt more rested, I’ve become more aware of how behind I’d fallen in housework and how working full-time and taking online classes really fights with my “mommy” time. I asked for and had a LOT of help during my maternity leave, and even since then, but at some point I tell myself, I have to pick up and start taking care of myself & my family, right?
So, to take care of me, I called my OB last week and got a script for an antidepressant, because I was starting to mentally and emotionally detach from my life and when I realized it – Thank you God for letting me realize it – I knew I needed help. I’m on a low dose, and am starting to feel some relief already – some calming, a little less “pressure” than I was feeling before. I am a bit tired, which is a side effect, but not completely fatigued, so I’m content with things so far.
As full as my schedule is concerned- my classes are really rewarding and interesting and challenging. I get some personal satisfaction from that and when I can get B’s – I’m quite happy with that. My job is necessary, but also beneficial and I enjoy what I do a lot. It’s the household “stuff” that really knocks me down. I am learning (slowly) to let “good enough” be GOOD ENOUGH, but has always been hard for me to swallow.
I grew up in a very organized, very neat, very clean household. There were lists of chores and they all got done. Really. At any given moment (except when decorating for Christmas), anyone could walk into our house and it would be nearly spotless. I don’t know how my mom had the energy to manage it. I don’t have the energy, and even when she’s helped me at my house, I move like a turtle to her rabbit’s pace. I was a clutterbug and, if allowed, I was messy! I left empty cups in the living room, and shoes under the coffee tables. I would leave piles of papers or books or whatever – anywhere I could. Not for long – but it was my nature to put something down and leave it there collecting dust until I needed it again. That has not changed.
Fast forward 20 years or so, where I married a clutter bug and we now have a 2 year old and a 3 month old which, of course, require much gear and equipment and diapers and baby wipes and toys and books – and there is just no room for anyTHING let alone for anyONE sometimes! I have tried a multitude of organizational products and methods. I have done positive affirmations. I have beat myself up for failing. I have gone through our house like a tornado and thrown boxes and bags of things away. I have spent entire weekends focusing on the way my house looks, and have not enjoyed time with my girls. THAT is not satisfying. I get to cross things off my “list,” but when it comes down to it, I’ve lost time with my husband and my girls.
So I have to learn to rethink my “List” for my life and what is important. I have to change the way I think about what is GOOD ENOUGH for my family and not what is PERFECT. Perfectionism is a disease – it is a really horrible mental and emotional trap – that disables and destroys and dysfunctionalizes (new word). I do this to myself. I do this to my family. I lose sight of what is lifelong and what REALLY matters, and get caught up in the trappings of maintaining some appearance that takes too much energy and too much time from my LIFE to keep up with.
So, I will wash my dishes (always needing clean bottles), I will do my laundry (going to work naked might NOT get me a raise), I will sweep & vacuum my floors (because God only knows what CaaaLalla WON’T put in her mouth), and I will clean my bathroom (because otherwise it’s just GROSS). The rest of it may or may not get done – ever – and that will just have to be GOOD ENOUGH!