Down a Lonely Path…

I shared some of my recent life journey several weeks ago.  It’s been awhile since I continued.  This is part two…   Need to catch up?  Here’s my original post if you need a refresher.

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photo credit Jule Berlin

Me, Myself, and Lies!

Going back to work after my second daughter, Georgie, was born – brought some sense of normalcy to my life – some routine.  We had settled into a sort of routine at home, but work required different hours and schedules, so life was uprooted again for a short time as we adjusted again.

Returning to work was welcome for me.  But things were very different.  A couple of new people – who had been hired right before I had Georgie – had settled in and things had changed in the office.  Responsibilities and dynamics were still in flux, so work was not quite the refuge I wanted it to be.

About the same time – I was losing much more sleep from working and as Georgie liked to be up at night – and I knew I was really in the throes of Postpartum Depression.  In the meantime, my OB had relocated to another town and I found myself talking to a doctor’s office I’d never dealt with before.  I explained my situation and they prescribed a medication which I gladly accepted.

So, I felt incapable of dealing with things at home – I felt abandoned in a sense by my OB whom I adored and who was so wonderful – and I felt very unsteady at my job where things were still settling down and I really didn’t know who I was.

I knew I was a wife.  A tired mom.  An employee.

My husband was very supportive emotionally and really tried to help me process things.  But the chaos of a new baby and an older child who wanted my full attention – as well as my serious lack of sleep – was more than I could deal with.  I was unhappy with the house – with the girls – with him – and felt overburdened rather than joyful.

My supervisor, who was incredibly flexible and understanding when I explained my situation to him, was also in the midst of some serious life changes.  He really gave me room to come & go as I needed as long as my work was done – and was very supportive.

As I began searching for some solid ground to plant my slippery feet on, I found some relief in the medication I was taking. At the same time, I also really honed in on and held on to some negative statements I was making to myself and hearing in my head – and those are the things that stayed with me long after the medication was gone.

My in-laws – who cared for the girls while I worked – began suffering from serious health issues and other serious dealings with extended family – and it became readily apparent that Roy & I had some decisions to make – and soon.

My job situation quickly changed, too, and I developed a rather sour attitude about most of it.  I felt misplaced, I felt taken advantage of – and rather than going to God with it and asking HIM for clarity, I nursed a horrible attitude which – of course – affected my job.  My work began to slip – and I didn’t even notice, let alone care.

My dealings with the girls became almost automatic and robotic.  Fed! Changed!  Bathed!  Clothed! But nurtured???  Not really.  I did the bare minimum and stuffed my feelings of disconnection even deeper.

When Roy & I knew I could no longer work and leave the girls at my in-laws, I turned in my notice.  At that point, my attitude only worsened.  Fueled by anger and discontent, I said a lot of terrible things about the people I worked with.

I gossiped.

I stirred things up.

I stewed.

I had worked there for almost 4 years – had a good rapport with my coworkers and supervisors – and with other departments.  And in a very short time, I pretty well threw it all away.

I was spiraling out of control in so many ways and the only thing that was gonna stop it was God.

I was not thankful for the blessings of my husband or children.

They were burdens to me.  All they did was create more work for me.  All they did was take, take, take and never gave back.

I was no longer grateful for the blessing that my work had been.

It had allowed me to grow as a person – in relationships with friends – and help provide for my family while it was needed.  I basically slapped my supervisors in the face with my negative attitude.  And they ended up walking me out the door early.  With good reason.

I found myself at home full-time – still nursing a bad attitude from work – and let it flow into my home.

And for months on end – I struggled to appreciate the gifts God blessed me with.  I was still angry – and now hurt – and our finances were suffering – and I couldn’t deal with my kids – and I hated being so responsible for the housework…

My father in law required a couple of surgeries and had health issues within a very short period of time.

I did not know the FIRST THING about managing our home full time, let alone being a MOM full-time.

I blamed my circumstances and situations on so many people – because it couldn’t possible be MY fault…

Riiiiiiiiight.

And God, with his everlasting patience, just kept waiting.  He was speaking to my heart, but the clamor and chaos of my life drowned Him out.  I didn’t want to take stock, hear what He had to say or do the necessary work to change.

And I was desperate for change.  Something had to give.  Something had to be better.  This couldn’t POSSIBLY be the life God dreamed for me.  Could it?

I was exhausted.  Couldn’t He have someone else do the work???

Not so fast, said He…

Now you have to wait for the rest of the story…



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Posted in Faith, Home. 3 Comments »

3 Responses to “Down a Lonely Path…”

  1. And now… the Rest of the Story… « The Queen Mommy’s Cafe Says:

    […] And now… the Rest of the Story… June 19, 2009 — TheQueenMommy Here is part 3 of my continuing journey over the past couple of years.  Part 1 is here, Part 2 is here. […]

  2. Mary @ Giving Up on Perfect Says:

    Debbie, I’m just catching up, and I’m so sorry to hear about all that you went through. I’m so thankful that my struggles after Annalyn was born did not develop into full-blown PPD. But I think I can understand some of what you’re describing. As a newly laid off employee AND a brand-new mother who still wasn’t sure she wanted to BE a mom, I had a real hard time with identity and attitude for the first few months. And even now, I’m so guilty of doing what you describe – not seeing my blessings as BLESSINGS.

    Thank you for being so transparent and sharing your heart with us.


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