Wishing you and yours a “Cuppa Love” for Christmas and the New Year!
Wishing you and yours a “Cuppa Love” for Christmas and the New Year!
So I posted the pic below of my 2 girls – couldn’t help it – that’s a pretty “normal” everyday picture of them…
But I couldn’t close out Wednesday without wishing MY mother (Queen Martha) a Very Happy Birthday! Curly sang to her this morning by phone – her first serenade of the day – and while my day has gradually become more complicated (Georgie’s well dr visit with shots, Roy with the flu, etc…) I do wish my mom roses every hour and chai by the gallon!
One of my mom’s cousins recently sent a picture to me of my Great Grandmother whom I am not fortunate enough to remember. My Grandma (Queen Marie) looks SO much like her, and my cousin asked if I thought my mom looks like her – which I do. It’s really awesome to see the women we come from. I love learning more about my maternal heritage (not just my mom’s side, but my dad’s too) and knowing about them – it’s amazing to feel the strength of them in myself, and see it continued in my girls. While not every generation may have been blessed with faith, each generation contributes something meaningful and endless, and I feel very tied to them today.
So, in honor of my MOM (Happy Birthday, Martha!), as Abraham Lincoln once said:
All I am, or can be, I owe to my Angel Mother…
So I’m late posting this – but I’m getting there!
Roy had an appointment last Saturday morning so I was home with the girls. We were going to run errands when he got home, so I wasn’t paying attention when he knocked on the door cuz I was in the middle of washing dishes.
Finally, after he’d been here for several minutes saying hello to the girls, I turned and looked, and he had a GORGEOUS vase of Fall flowers for me for Sweetest Day. What a LOVELY surprise!!! And after almost a week, only 2 roses have faded!!!
How lovely to be remembered on Sweetest Day… Thank you, Roy!!!
(Keep scrolling down for more recent posts!)
So – this last week was a week to remember. It was one of those weeks where my every desire to be a wife and mom was challenged at every front. It was not easy. I can admit that I did not handle all or most situations with dignity or patience or peace or tolerance. I did a lot of yelling, a lot of crying, a lot of steaming, a lot of walking. The walking was probably my best response, but came too little too late in many instances.
There is no reasoning with a toddler. Sometimes, there is no reasoning with a husband, either. That’s just the way it is. So Marriage and Motherhood were gory. Some days I felt like I was behind the cannon firing off rounds; other days, I felt like I was left trampled and bleeding on the battleground. All in all, more of my weaknesses, more of my flaws, more of my selfishness, more of my insecurities, more of my immaturity was revealed.
But after having a minor nervous breakdown, the air is continuing to clear, and so is my vision. My husband is not the insensitive ogre I sometimes imagine him to be; nor is he a saint without flaw; instead, he IS a King with the occasional chink in his armor, and despite my really dramatic cries for help, he tries to listen and tries to step in and pick up where he thinks he can help.
This week was Mikhael’s 20th birthday (see my adoption page). That day – well, that day I spent most of the day crying. I haven’t spent his birthday crying in a very long time, and it was boggling and inexplicable, so I just cried when I need to and thought of him most of the day. It’s a very odd feeling I have when I think about Mikhael.
On one hand, I have this primitive, gutwrenching protective feeling that knows if asked to, I would step in front of a train to save him. On the other hand, because I did not raise him, there is this (obvious?) sense of detachment and distance that means I don’t want to press in too hard in his life. I won’t infringe on his relationship with his mom – and even if I tried don’t imagine it could happen. But I don’t want to push in and find I’m not welcome. That’s where it lays. I’m torn. I have 2 small girls who are with me – who are present and needy and right here; and I have this grown up son who probably doesn’t need me in the sense that a child needs a parent, and so I’m left with some question as to how I fit and where. And that makes me cautious, tentative, hesitant in approaching him. In really investing myself in him.
Is this something that all parents experience, even with the children they’ve raised? I don’t really know yet. But it’s something I need to push through in myself – not just for me. For Mikhael. For his 2 little sisters who will one day, God willing, be 20 – and I pray to God that I am not fearful anymore for any of them.
Do you EVER stop feeling insecure? I don’t know. Do you ever stop wanting so much for your children? Probably not.
So – gory or glorious – parenthood is what it is, and I need to step into whatever my role is and not be doubtful of my place. Cuz this is where God put me.
So I was home Friday because of icy roads. Our county, particularly, stayed slick throughout most of the day, and both Roy & his dad were very concerned about my driving on the ice. Roy’s dad was attempting to make it to his VERY LAST radiation session, and was stuck because Roy had already taken Curly over to his mom’s for the day when he called and suggested I wait to drive into work, at least. Later he called and said he thought I shouldn’t go at all. Things thawed out a bit midday, but by mid-afternoon it was starting to freeze up again. So Tater & I stayed home for the day. It was nice having an extra day, and having Tater to myself. Curly & I don’t get much time alone, and that would have been nice, but she had fun at her Mamaw’s house and had a really good day. She likes structure, so keeping her routine is good for everybody.
I got caught up on homework and enjoyed it. Currently taking Psychology of Personality. This is a study of all of the personality theorists and it is very interesting to me. Let me just say, in my opinion, that Freud was a nutjob. Father of Psychology or whatever – I think he had some interesting ideas and got the process of THINKING about psychology and personality moving, but because he based his theory on the idea that Human Beings are animals and nothing more, he could not theorize higher than our base nature. I am personally fascinated by dream study and defense mechanisms, which Freud also formulated. I think studying these theorists from a Christian viewpoint sheds light on the limitations and humanistic viewpoints which led to their theories. If they could not conceive that human beings were created by a Supernatural God and did not evolve, as in the THEORY of evolution, their ideas and theories are going to be somewhat skewed. I don’t discredit their work – believe me – a lot of what these people discovered about human beings is really amazing and accurate. But when they didn’t include God in the equation and the fact that we are more than animals (in fact, made “a little lower than the angels” according to Psalms), their theories and assumptions get a bit twisted. The brain and mind is something that no one will ever be able to define entirely. But I like it that way. There are parts of me that I would like to remain a mystery to the rest of the world, knowing that God knows & sees every part and that’s what counts!
Roy & I have continued our devotions together each night, and when we put Curly to bed, we pray with her. She LOVES it. I don’t know if it’s the idea of holding hands with eyes closed and talking or if she can grasp the idea of God, yet. Yesterday, we three girls were in bed together and I had my back to them. I heard Curly talking and turned around and she was holding Tater’s hand saying “Thank you God for Tater” and going on to thank Him for mommy & daddy, too. “Amen” she says. She’s TWO!!! Whether she’s simply mimicking or not – it was really SWEET to see her do that. We always thank God for her and Tater, so it made sense that she prayed that, too.
She’s also been afraid of her ceiling fan lately. It’s black – has always been black – but she does NOT want to be anywhere underneath it. She climbed into bed last night and cowered at the foot of her bed with her face covered. I asked her what was wrong, and she popped one eye open, looked over my shoulder and kinda stared at the fan. I asked her if she was afraid of the fan and she said yes, so I talked with her about it, and turned it on so she could feel the air it stirred up. We prayed together and I asked God to help her not be afraid of her fan. She smiled, still covering her face, and settled down to sleep (sleeping all night I might add!)
I did NOT have a good Sunday. I was Mrs. Hyde to the extreme and HATED it. I had a monster headache and was miserable – and miserable to be around. Roy & Curly went to church – Tater & I stayed home. We’ve decided that we want to have one family day each week, and Sunday will be that day. Church included. Yesterday, was an exception considering my attitude & state of mind. I eventually got myself out of it, but it took most of the day to get there. I’m always edgy and rough on myself and everybody around me and it takes an extreme amount of effort & awareness to soften my tone and my words. I was not very successful in many ways. Roy was very kind & understanding which is INCREDIBLY sweet & loving!!! I am always frightfully aware of my shortcomings during this time, and begin to doubt my ability to be a good wife, a good mom, a good student, etc. I did take some Zoloft over the weekend, but don’t want to completely RELY on it for the rest of my life. It’s a struggle, and one I am praying about.
Roy and I are reading a couple of books by Neil T. Anderson that I’d like to recommend. I am currently reading Victory Over the Darkness. Roy read it first and bought another copy for me to read. I am reading it whenever I can, and much more slowly than I’m used to, but it is a GREAT book and has some tremendous points that seem new to me, even after all this time… Roy is now reading Anderson’s The Bondage Breaker and has commented on how he’s really being affected and changed by what he is reading. To be frank, I can see changes in him and how God is really working in his life. Not just through these books, but from other circumstances. It’s really sweet and a blessing to me.
If you haven’t seen Disney’s version of Chicken Little – I highly recommend it. We’ve been watching it almost daily for the past couple of weeks, and I’m still not tired of it. I love the characters (Fish-out-of-water is fun-ny!) and I love the portrayal of the relationship between the high-school-star-athlete father and the underachiever-unlucky son. Two running themes in the movie are the “What’re we talkin’ about?” in response to a question that one does not want to answer, and “Today is a new day” a rather Scarlett-O’Hara-esque statement.
Today is a New Day. Not a perfect day – but a New Day. Curly was up at 5 am crying and had to be held & cuddled because she was “scared” of everything all morning, and Droolah finally had a good night’s rest but was awakened early by her ever-anxious-to-see-her-and-literally-smother-her-with-affection big sister. Still – A New Day.
Last night, Roy & I had a good devotional time. It was about how our spouses are supposed to complete, or balance, us. We were asked to describe some of our differences and how we offset each other – and what the other person brings to us. That was fun. We both said about each other that we bring humor – which is a good quality these days, and a good quality for life. He also said I bring honesty, and I said he brings me a calm that soothes me. We do have a lot of qualities that balance each other and when we work together as a team, it’s really awesome! That oneness, the reference to “one flesh” in Scripture is so readily apparent at those times. And then there are the times where we are at odds and neither one wants to give in and the tension & stress is no fun. Those are the areas we get to pray about and work through together…
I also read a blog yesterday that talked about being a Living Sacrifice. This is not something I am innately, naturally prone to. I like to be in charge (I am The Queen, after all), and I like to take charge, and I don’t like to be told what to do, and I don’t like to serve others. Selfish? yes. Proud? absolutely. Right? hmmm – not so much.
Being a Living Sacrifice means that will I change those awful, yukky diapers and choose NOT to complain about them. Being a Living Sacrifice means I will wash dishes until they’re done and then not get upset when Roy or Curly ask me for something to eat, producing more dirty dishes in the process. Being a Living Sacrifice means taking out the trash when it’s full and not stewing about whether or not Roy will SEE how full the trash is and just take it out because it’s “his” chore and I think it should go out. See my point?
It is not my nature to be like this. I am all about FAIRNESS and EQUALITY and RESPONSIBILITY. Basically, that is another way of saying, “I am all about ME.”It’s easy to stay with my sick child in the hospital – that’s natural for me and there’s no question that I won’t do it. It’s easy to do for others when they can’t do for themselves. It’s a completely UNNATURAL thing for me to do for others what they are capable of doing themselves, even if it is something I am called to do as a wife, mother, woman, friend, daughter, sister, coworker, Believer… I don’t mean to do for others in that unhealthy way so they are overly dependent upon me and can’t function without me. I mean – serving them – getting on my hands & knees with warm, soapy, soothing water and washing their dirty feet (so to speak). So, on this NEW DAY, I am going to take the steps to learn to be a LIVING SACRIFICE. It will not be easy, and I will struggle with it. I’ve been wrestling God since I read the blog yesterday. He keeps telling me to DO stuff for other people, and I’m like – Are you serious??? But He is – and it’s not in order to put me down – it’s in order to build me up…
Today is a New Day!